Abduction: The True Story of Flight 29 Down
by adversary2113
Summary: All of the inconsistencies are explained as we finally find out why the story didn't make sense. Humor. Thanks to Joucelin Hades for the concept.
1. Chapter 1

**Abducted: The True Story of Flight 29 Down**

**Rated T**

**Disclaimer: Nothing but the jokes are mine.**

**Special Thanks To Joucelin Hades. This is based in part on a series of messages we exchanged, bemoaning the many, many irregularities in the show.**

**Day Four: During the events of "Survival of the Fittest.**

**They had been watching the strange visitors to their island for four days now. The pilot, a strange duck of a man indeed, had went to look for help with three of the teanagers, a boy and two girls, to the concern of the observers.**

**The senior watcher summed up their fears in a compound word, " Pedo-bear?"**

**The second most senior responded evenly: " No, just dumber than a rock."**

**The leader asked, "What's the scoop on the two on the cliff?"**

**2 Answered: " Taylor tricked Lex into broadcasting Mel's tape, which had a juicy bit about how she has the hormonal hot pants for Jackson."**

**1: " Tell me, was he surprised at the news?"**

**2:" I think the only surprised one was Mel. Everyone knows it, even Lex"**

**At that, all seven observers suddenly hummed. They liked Lex. He was the most like them. It was eerie, how similar his thought processes were to theirs.**

**3, the oldest shemale spoke: " Jackson has went to get a rope to drag those idiots off the cliff. How two other wise reasonably intelligent adolescents fall off a cliff is beyond me."**

**5, the neuter male, spoke up: " Personally, I blame the great Cosmic Writer." He subscribed to the belief that nothing was random, that some Cosmic Writer plotted all events out.. The other thought it as a fruitcake, to be honest.**

**7, the oldest of them all rasped from his/its throat, " This could be the opportunity we sought all along. We could go and nip the urchins and Lex, " they all hummed again, " and the two morons. I still can't believe Melissa is so obsessed over Jackson that she has yet to mention her parents or home a single time.."**

**6, the youngest heshe of the group spoke, " It could be a golden opportunity to examine how the adolescent human minds works. Myself, 6 and 7 could get the three of them and , using cloned bodies and remote control, impersonate them. It could be fun , seeing just how far out of character we could take them to see if.'**

**The great leader was dubious. " They would have to be pretty naïve for you three to pull it off for long. On the other hand, I'd love to get the chance to exchange cultural thoughts with Lex."**

**They hummed yet again.**

**1 gave the solemn command" Nothing to it but to do it!"**

" **I can't believe I'm stuck on a cliff with you." Taylor moaned for the tenth time in as many minutes.**

**Mel shot back" I can't believe I haven't pushed you off of it yet!"**

**Lex called out , " Hey, are you two still fighting ?"**

**Both: "Yes!"**

**Lex: " Hey you don't have to bite my head off." Suddenly, there as a green flash of light, visible even on the cliff below.**

**Lex: "AHHHH!!!" And then, silence.**

**The two girls huddled together and called out: " Lex, hey, Pee Wee."**

**Suddenly, there as movement at the top of the hill. A form, short, cloaked in shadow looked don. It laughed maniacally, then a green flash enveloped the girls.**

**6 spoke sharply from the hillside, " Do you have to laugh like that every time we zap one of them?! Let's hurry, Jackson's probably gotten a rope by now."**

**1 spoke from the communicator to them: " he had to poop! You have at least five more minutes. Hurry it up."**

**And so it began, an insidious plot to test the intelligence of the American teenager.***********************************************************************************************************************

**Author: This is just the first of it. I promised, unlike Amazathon III, it will be finished. **


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Twenty four days later.

The eleven of them were gathered on the beach. They had just barely kept Captain Russell from burning the campsite don,; he was not pleased and didn't hesitate to tell them.

" You thinkthis is over?! This is far from over. From here on, whenever you hear a noise or a fart in the night , you're gonna wonder "Is it Cap'n Russell?" he threatened, the reflection of the sunlight on his balding dome nearly blinding them even as four weeks of no showers and a wind from the wrong direction assailed their noses.

" Stop!" Mel cried out, rather shrilly.

" Again with the "stop". You kids are so pathetic!" Russell hooted, his dingy Hawaiian shirt an armed assault while his b.o .definitely constituted battery. He laughed at them loudly.

Mel insisted, " Wait. I hear something!"

And a noise could be heard.

Jackson looked at Eric, who looked at Taylor, who looked at Lex, who looked at Daley, who looked at Nathan, who, tired of everyone looking but him, turned and looked at Lex. Who was tired of being looked at.

Jackson: " That can't be a plane. It's be too Deus ex Machina, for starters, plus , it sounds like a vibrator."

Abby spoke up " Yeah, it does. " She did a slow burn as ten sets of eyes looked at her. " I'm just saying!"

They ran to the beach and looked up. And there, hovering three hundered feet in the air above them was … a spaceship shaped disturbingly like a piece of poop. Or a diseased penis. And it sounded like it was about to vibrate apart. The greenish brown craft suddenly flipped up onto one end and came in to a landing a hundred yards away.

Eric, Jackson, Daley and Nathan all looked speechless. For some odd reason, the others all looked calm, happy even. Russell in particular suddenly seemed to go sane.

Plus, Ian seemed to make a miraculous recovery, hopping up and down excitedly as a doorway appeared on the craft with a disgustingly wet squelchy sound." Ha Ha, I won the pool!" The surfer dude was definitely happy about something as a form walked out of the spaceship. It was 1. But he was better known by the name Eric blurted out in disbelief.

" ROGER?! From American Dad?! WTF!" he seemed to be about to have spasm or something.

" Damn, I never should have let the CIA license us after we crashed at Roswell. That idiotic show has made me a joke on two planets now! 1 complained as he waddled up to them. " Ok guys, you can shut the clones down and introduce yourselves to them."

Abby, Lex, Taylor, Mel, Jory, Ian and Captain Russell all fell to the ground as if dead.

Seven more aliens waddled down the walkway, happily clucking at one another, although there were a couple of sour comments amid the chaos.

6, the youngest heshe griped, " So, I was off by two days. I figured Daley wouldn't dare touch Lex's precious light since he was so pissed at her. Dammit. I impersonated that little shrimp for nothing!"

They all hummed at the mention of Lex.

5, the neuter, spoke up:" Well ,I had a time playing crazy Captain Russell, let me tell you. And I love, love, love his taste in shirts. We just have to go shopping at the Salvation Army in Hawaii."

" Well, I loved getting to be the pacifist gone psycho, let me tell you! And you guys said I was being too over the top with it; these idiots wouldn't have been surprised if I had started putting salt and pepper on their legs for seasoning. What a bunch of maroons!" 2, who had impersonated Abby said with a cackle of glee.

8, the middle aged heshe, who had impersonated Ian spoke up: " And they though Ian was stupid enough to fall through the floor of the building. That he would just happen to be walking along on rotten floor that blithely?! I underestimated the stupidity of teenagers, let me tell you."

Two identical ones, the shehes 3 and 4 ere laughing uproariously at the stunned looks on Jackson and Eric faces especially.

3/Mel taunted them, " Did you not once even wonder why Mel never talked about home? Why she went nuts when you found yourself attracted to" Taylor ? And why every time she showed any backbone, she inevitably backed down from the least thing an hour later."

4 chimed in: " And why would Taylor suddenly go from ignoring you to being attracted to you, literally overnight?! You guys have seen too many Corbin Bleu and Zac Efron movies. And Daley, didn't it seem odd how the same girl who suddenly matured overnight could also trick you into doing the laundry in the same hour? You people suffer from either severe stupidity or short term memory problems, one of the two."

Finally, Cody Jackson spoke up:" What happened to the others, what have you done to them?!' he started to move angrily towards 1, when a familiar voice stopped him."

" Jackson! It's so good to see you again!" came the voice of Melissa Wu, the real one, who ran down the ramp and launched herself into his arms. " I can't believe it's been nearly four weeks."

And two other forms came out, somewhat slower. It as everyone whos copies lay on the beach. Lex went up and hugged a Daley ho seemed to not be able to choose between hugging him or hitting him. Taylor ran straight to Eric and slapped him!

" You , you rat! You've been stalking me for years and you couldn't tell a imposter from me?! You thought I'd go for a mystery man like Jackson when I had a built in flunky here. Dumb ass. All I have to do it show one boob's outline to you and I have a slave for life, he's probably want to actually see the whole thing!"

Jackson nodded to himself as he fought to pry Mel off of him.

Abby was furious. " I thought you all respected by belief in the sanctity of life. I'd never eat meat. Or threaten anyone. We only have one life to live and e need to be kind to one another, understand one another…" There was a flash of light and a hideous croak of laughter.

1 spoke sharply: " I told you to let her rant! We can't keep stunning her just to keep her quiet. Unfortunately."

5 apologized, " Sorry leader. She's been on a tear since I said I could kill for an Angus beef burger!"

" Will Someone Please tell me what the HELL on going on?" Daley called out in dismay.

******************************************************************************************************************************

" and there you have it. It was a study to see how long we could keep impersonating the others before you came to the conclusion that something as wrong. But, we had a few side bets going on. And we planned on showing ourselves if you ever got a genuine signal going. And you did it Daley. So, we're willing to take you guys to the edge of Guam and release you. We're not bad guys, but after 60 years, we get bored easily." 1 said. He had been explaining the whole chain of events for a half hour now.

" Have you done this before?" Jackson asked from where he was sitting on a couch like structure on the recreation deck of the small ship. Mel was sitting uncomfortably close to him. Apparently, her obsession with him as real.

Very much so.

5 spoke out: " They still haven't figured out the truth about Jerry Springer, Oprah Winfrey and Bill Clinton!" it confirmed with it's ear splitting laugh.

31 spoke: "We've had a good time, except for having to , er, sedate, Mel a few times. Well, a few dozen times. She, well, kinda sorta likes you, as you may see."

At the moment, she was caressing Jackson's leg in a way that needed no interpretation. He hinted with a grunt. ZAPP!. She lay back, stunned.

" Thanks. " he said.

" Well, we have one other thing to discuss. Lex has said he wants to stay with us and it's against our beliefs to force someone to stay away after they find us. " the awesome leader spoke up.

" No effing way; the little brat goes with us. I'm not telling Gwen I lost her son and before you even suggest it, no, a clone won't do." Daley said quickly.

2 spoke up." Well, we do have a alternative. Since Lex is basically ours now, we could trade you for a favor."

" What kinda trade?" Jackson asked as he stood up and stretched.

1 spoke up, " Well, we need to do a few experiments on teen sexuality and one of the males in your group would be doing us a huge favor if he volunteers. We'd call it even." he said hopefully.

" I thought you were all, I don't know, asexual. You are all naked and I don't see any junk showing, " Eric said as he walked up, sipping an alien milkshake. It was glowing blue, but tasted good.

" Oh no, 2 said, sounding offended. " We have three sexes, shemale, like me, neuter like 5 and heshe, like the leader."

" Can you explain that?" Jackson said as Eric and Nathan walked nervously up to him.

" Easier to show them." 2 said as the leader and it pulled away what was obviously skin colored undergarments.

The three teen males nearly fainted.

" God, I saw assholes , goobers, nuts, vaginas and two things I may never figure out!" Nathan said in shock , after he had finished throwing up.

" If you ever want to see what I have, one of you better man up and free Lex!" Daley said fiercely.

The three walked off and had a fast , quick discussion.

Then, Jackson grabbed Eric's left arm, Nathan his right and they three him at the aliens with twin smiles of malicious glee.

" No! I want to die a virgin after all!!" Eric wailed as 2 pounced on him dragging him out of the room.

" I outta feel guilty." Jackson said, then cringed as mel's hands grabbed his as she rose from the couch.*********************************************************************************************************************

Two hours later, they were on a beach on the far side of Guam. The alien ship was slowly flying away. The six there grinned at one another. Lex had finally gotten over being made to go home when they had promised to visit him and be in his next science experiment.

Jackson let out a breath, " Man, I'm glad we let them have Eric. I didn't realize they were gonna keep him for twenty years though. Poor guy."************************************************************************************************************************

Eric lay nude, a sheet around his hips and a cigar in his mouth as he lay back ith a grin on his face. He leaned over and kissed 2 on its wrinkled head as it slept.

" Wow, trisexuality is freaking awesome!!"

THE END


End file.
